A Euro Pantomime 2011

R Moll Christmas Past

Hi

Tough times, but it is Christmas, so get out the Scottie wallet.  A Hogmanay bottle of single malt (or the pound, dollar, euro equivalent) is on offer for the best comment or comment reply to this or any of my 2011 blogs.

 Cheer up now.  Depression is in the head, not in the wallet.  Europe is a success.  There will be a happy ending.

Cinderella Common Market from a pile of cinders, and with a little help from good Uncle Sam, made a level playing field.  In just sixty years, progress and wealth, this is a happy story.  

Remember the Real Bad Times are behind you.  Behind you.

The “Whole World is Flat” chorus conducted by Thomas Friedman of the New Coca Cola Times, is copying and singing Cinderella’s song.  Listen – all around the Pacific rim – nearly four billion almost in tune.

Now look stage right; see how many enthusiastic Arab Spring Singers want to join.

Prince Charming Euro is a new man, a new currency for a new century.  He is young, strong, handsome, from a rich and respected family, welcome all over the world.  Euro has become even more popular than his cousin Dollar, with 15-20 per cent more euros than dollars in global circulation.

So what can go wrong?  Enter the Wicked Step-Mother.  Her name is Ever Closer Union, ECU (quelle acronym, you couldn’t make it up.)   She is from the Bourbon “Top Down” branch of the once respected Divine Right family.  

 -Whoa, whoa, I think I need a single malt here.  Make it a Christmas double.-

Jock Christmas Past

ECU has two less than attractive daughters, Barrosina and Rompova.  Desperate to make her gals Pink Bourbon Queens of U.S.E. (United States of Europe) and to procure Prince Charming Euro as their toy boy, ECU makes a plan.

First she goes south to that fabled land of dodgy accounting, Olympus.  There she finds three witches and buys a double shot of their OO-SO slow acting potion “Boil and bubble, boil and bubble, ten full years of slump and trouble”.

ECU returns to Benelux (such classical euphemisms should be banned.)

She tells Barrosina and Rompova to send out invitations for a Millenium Party.

Naughty Noughties Ball.

Everyone Welcome Fiddle-de-dee

Eat, Drink, Dance and Play

Never Never Nothing to Pay

No need to RSVP

All arrive.  Well, why not?  A ten year long party and FREE.  Put down your shovels.  This is the Promised Land.

The party gets going.  Shampoo flows by the litre, the bucket, but never by the gallon.  ECU slips the Greek OO-SO potion into Prince Charming’s glass.  He starts dancing.  Everyone loves Euro; he is so dashing.

As the OO-SO begins to work, Euro dances faster.  He dances with everyone, dirty dancing, with dubious partners.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarf Bonus Bonkers arrive down the Yellow Brick (iron pyrites) Road.  Everyone wants a piece of her; they all snort with delight and join the Bonus Bonkers and their new games.  Everyone is scoring, so no one keeps the score

Spot the CDS.  Where’s the CDO?  Catch the PhD Mathematician.   Mix the Alphabet.   Fannie and Freddie from America start a Wall Street game of Pass the Mortgage Parcel.  That was fun.  Then the Dwarf Bonus Bonkers started spiking the Shampoo with Testosterone and Adrenalin.

Everyone joins in Boom Boom Monopoly.  I’m in Mayfair, ha, ha, ha.

The party shoots into Top Gear.  The music is louder.   Now it is Pass the Bond Parcel, bigger, bigger, higher, higher, now with your eyes shut, faster, faster, faster.

Slowly, the great bell of the great clock rings out 2007...2008...2009... 2010.....

The music fades.  Snow White and many good people are left bleeding, cut by wildly thrown credit cards.  The Dwarf Bonkers gaze at their shrunken bonuses; together they wail:

No, not prison, please. Oh no, not the Steagall Glass House.  We will be good.  You will need us.

Fannie and Freddie, as you would expect, go west.

Benelux Towers is in flames.  Almost asphyxiated, ECU (Ever Closer Union, in case you forgot) is rescued from the attic.  (For goodness sake keep those Bronte sisters and/or Oscar Wylde out of this.  Isn’t it complicated enough already?)

The seventeen, the ten, nobody can count properly any more, sit around, dazed, hung over.  All are claiming that they are owed 50 cents by someone, maybe by everyone, else.  The 50 cent coin itself is missing, lost, gone.  (This really is a proper pantomime.)

But worst, the OO-SO potion has worked.  Prince Charming Euro is in a coma.  Medecins Sans Frontieres, MSF, IMF, BLT, NWSA, put him on life support and set up a drip (DSK.)

From the back of the chorus come ancestral voices prophesying war!

To get out of this is going to be difficult.  We need more people and seriously clever magic.

Enter by magic, through a previously hidden revolving door, three wise people from far Cambridge University, England.

First comes Next, also known as Lord Wolfson of Aspley Guise, a Trinity lawyer, and so is in the money and to the point.   He is Lord of Next, probably because he knows what to do next.  He has offered a prize of £250,000.  The prize is for showing how to redesign and then how to use the revolving door.  (If you must ask, yes, it should have been designed properly in the first place.  But then, if it had been, there would be no pantomime.)

Next, sorry, after him comes Ali Baba also known as Dr Armen Papazian, King’s College, Workshop 2001, Judge Institute of Management Studies, a middle east, Islamic banking and finance wise man.  In the magic caves of Keynesian finance, Armen sees that “debt” is the problem, not the answer.  So he says just add “Abracadabra” to a slice of good Victorian Britain to produce, debt free, valued projects and “hey ho, hey ho, it’s off to work we go” and wages and dividends for pensioners and taxes.

Ali Baba Armen clicks his fingers; a magic book appears.  All sit quietly and read:

Moneymakers: the Secret World of Banknote Printing – Klaus W. Bender.

The Delphic Oracle steps forward.  She is also known as Mary Beard, Professor of Classics.  In elegant Points of View, Mary muses on the very first monetary union, two and a half thousand years ago, ironically masterminded by the Greeks in ancient Athens.   She exposes the myth, the history, the psychology of Kings, Emperors, Kaisers, Princes, Popes and Presidents and their Moneys. 

A lady walks on from stage right.  Down to earth, in sensible shoes, she has a bouncy Poodle dog on a lead and holds a magic wand.


Chorus (loudly)   Hurrah.   Hurrah.   The Good Fairy Angel.  The Good Fairy Angel.  (quietly)  About time too.


Angel Merkel (yes it is she)  Sorry, sorry, I’m a bit late.  So much to do in the house.  And I’m looking after this poodle.  When he is naughty, I call him Sarky.  But he is very sweet most of the time.   Aren’t you Kozy Wozy.  (Dog looks up adoringly and barks.)  
And now I want to introduce my very special new friend.  (Waves magic wand above her head.)  This is ECB.  For a long time I did not understand European Central Bank.  But now I have really got to know him, I recognise that he is just as wise and dependable as his Great Uncle Bundesbank.  ECB is much younger of course, and much bigger.  (The young are so big and tall these days aren’t they?)  And, quite properly, he is full of good, modern, 21^st century ideas.  By the way, I am sure you would like to know, Bundesbank is still very active.  Keeps himself busy; he is deep digging the Bremen and the Westphalia vegetable beds this very moment.  


And now I am going to hand you over to ECB.  He will guide you through what we all have to do.  I fully support al his ideas and plans.  He is a breath of fresh air.  He is the new century.  I like him.  I trust him.


Now must dash.  Lots to do in the kitchen, preparing for the Christmas Party. You are all invited.  And the church needs decorating and there are lots of Wirtsschaftswunder prezzies that need to be wrapped. You see, ECB has shown me that I should spend more and give more to families and children all over the world and not just to my own family at home.  


Chorus   Thanks Angel. We love you Angel.

 

Angel puts down the Magic Wand; picks up Kozy; walks briskly off stage.  The Wand moves and changes into a person.  ECB is tall, handsome, young and is wearing a beautifully cut suit. But what you really notice is his warm expression and his eyes.  He could be an up to date James Stewart in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life.’

 

ECB clears his throat.  All look at him.

ECB    Thank you, Angel. Thank you.  She is lovely; isn’t she.  (Cheers and clapping.)

 

Well, things are difficult.  But, I am certain that we can work together and sort it all out.  And sort it out today.  But first we need to clear the air.  What do you see? (All look up at the trees.)  Hundreds of them, Lawyer birds, Consultant birds, Lobby birds, long necks, big beaks, big wigs, bigger fees and even bigger invoices.

All (loudly)   Go away.  Fly away.  We do not need you today.

Flapping of wings.  All the birds fly off.  ECB looks towards the MSF nurses and the body of Prince Charming Euro.

ECB    Prince Charming Euro, I have something to tell you.  (Euro lifts his head.  All gasp.)  You are not a prince.  You have never been a prince. You have no connection to that old ‘divine right,’ ‘top down’ lot – however good some of them may have been.-  You are a 21^st century, flat world, international currency.  Everyone loves you; everyone needs you; everyone trusts you.  And you, with my help, will wisely help everyone and prudently trust them all.  Now, plain Mister Charming Euro get back up on your feet. 

(Euro stands up.  All cheer.)

And here is someone who has loved you truly, deeply, always.  She wants and  needs  you now.

(Cinderella Common Market rushes into Euro’s arms.  They kiss.  All cheer madly.  ECB now turns to the Seventeen who are sitting in a group.)

I think you have some problems.  (The seventeen nod nervously.) 

Next, I believe you can help us.  (Next, Lord Wolfson, moves centre stage.)

Next   There are some of you who have never been really comfortable in, or accepted by, the group.  (The seventeen nod even more nervously.) 

This is why I offered a prize for showing how, when feeling insolvent, to be excused and use the hidden revolving door.  I can now announce that the prize has been awarded. The winners are the children of St Martin’s School.  (Children in grey flannel shorts and gymslips stand up in the chorus.  All clap.) 

Their solution, as all good magical solutions are, is elegant and simple.  The solution is:

With Courtesy, Consideration and Commonsense and No Running.

Chorus    Courtesy, consideration, commonsense.  Courtesy, consideration, commonsense.  No running.  No running.

ECB   Thank you Next.  That is really helpful.  (ECB looks towards the Seventeen and sees that they are now Fifteen.)  Well, that wasn’t too difficult. (Turns towards the Two who are talking enthusiastically with Thomas Friedman and his choir.)  Best of luck, more comfortable now.

Now you fifteen, gather round.  We have work to do and not much time.

 (Quite right, this pantomime is going on and on.  It’s as bad as those lawyers. Get on with it.  The Fifteen gather round ECB and sit on the floor, waiting.)

As you see Euro is alive and well.  He is your primary currency.  I am your central bank.  My name is no longer:  European Central Bank.  It is:  Euro Central Bank.

Fifteen (well fourteen actually because Angel is in her Bavarian kitchen.)    That is right.  We agree.  We agree.

ECB    But Euro is also a world currency.  Thousands, billions even, use Euro everyday for business and for storing value.  So Euro and I are their servants, as well as being your servants.  But to be good servants we must be independent and strong.  We must make a marriage based on trust and respect, appropriate to the Flat World which we share.  Francis Bacon defined marriage as:

“A Master, a mistress and two servants, making in all a company of two.”

Fifteen    We understand.  We agree.

Chorus     They’ve got it.  By Jove, they’ve got it.

To be continued.

Paws4Now

Jock

And what about Buttons Briton and Mr Tata and ................